At first, you would think it was a lovely detail. Second glance, you wonder if there was a two for one, some type of BOGO. As you begin to really focus, you realize there is some kind of preppy neurosis. The scope of this bizarreness hits you. Is it waspy narcissism? Or maybe it’s that OCD of hers.
Hi. My name is JMR and I am a monogramaholic.
Confession: I have officially transitioned from detail oriented into full blown TACKY. I monogram everything. Napkins, tablecloths, placemats, doillies, towels, bed linens, pillow cases, duvet covers, throw pillows, blankets, button down shirts, handkerchiefs, cufflinks, boxer shorts, casserole carriers, canvas bags, laundry bags, shoe bags, dress bags, leather boxes, tie holders, pajamas, luggage, yoga towels, stationary, soaps, paper towels, matches, chocolates, tupperware, Christmas ornaments, and so on. If I could slap my monogram on Juan Carlos and Harry, I would. It’s my tramp stamp. #JMR. The monogram situation at Casa Rodriguez is overwhelming. I am not in denial… it’s one too many and it’s right out tacky. I have no control over my monogram urge. There is not one linen under this roof that does not have some variation of my name on it.
I don’t do well with unregistered property. This trauma is a direct result of catholic schooling, where God would strike you dead if you did not put your name on every item that belonged to you. There was always a stealthy nun on a mission for nameless property. Claiming something out of lost and found that did not have your name on it was like openly admitting you had a 16 oz cheeseburger, washed it down with a chocolate shake (or wine), while listening to Madonna’s Like A Prayer on Lenten Friday. It’s a one way ticket to hell FOREVER.
The font, colors, lines, and size of the monogram says so much about you. It’s not a matter of making your guest bath towel look southern traditional chic, it’s a matter of a plain white towel showing flair and character. It’s about making a non descript item, yours. And yes, I am, as is your mother-in-law (perpetual theme), judging you harshly when your guest bathroom towels are not monogramed or worse…….are monogramed improperly (gasp).
The wrong monogram will send you and your reputation into housewife damnation. Granted,this is archaic thinking, superficial, and total first world problems, but honestly, do you want to be the girl who did not properly monogram her linen dinner napkins? Post dinner party chats can be cruel and relentless. That cold-blooded frenemy of yours isn’t going to let it slide that easily.You and your faux pas napkins will be THE topic of post yoga lattes and several what’s app chats.
Call me trap queen. Here is the best cheat sheet for modern monograming rules. I love this because it includes equal rights.
You can follow me on instagram @jessicathehousewife.