Housewife Does Proust

So it’s another long weekend here in Dominican Republic. I swear we have a long weekend atleast once a month. I am not complaining!  We stayed in the city this weekend because last Monday, I slipped and ended up banging my head and spraining my right arm. The doctor put me on rest for two weeks. TWO WEEKS! That means no yoga, no cooking, no driving, no chores, no anything for TWO weeks.

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What to do when you are going stir crazy at home? The Proust Questionnaire of course!

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My very favorite blogger, Ellie O’Connell, has ALS and is not doing well.  She is no longer able to write her incredibly funny, witty, oh-so-real, brutally honest, inspiring blog. (I highly recommend investing in a marathon read of her blog from the very beginning. It will make you laugh and cry so hard. I promise, she will end up being your best friend too.) Her last post was about the infamous  Proust Questionnaire and about how she will be posting a few of her fabulous friends’ answers. Her BFFs are the likes of Diandra Douglas and Yolanda Hadid.

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Yolanda Hadid, my favourite housewife with Ellie O’Connell, my favorite blogger.

I love these types of confessionals. It provokes conversation with yourself. You either realize you are a shallow fool or all your neurosis show up. Don’t judge, I am not as eloquent as 13 year old Proust. Here we go:

What is your idea of perfect happiness? To have peace of mind across the board.

What is your greatest fear? To be a widow, losing my mother, no one to care for me when I can no longer care for myself.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? I invest too much in people.

What is the trait you most deplore in others? Narcissism.

Which living person do you most admire? Jamal Garcia Rubido and my mother. Both women have overcome adversity without ever failing to propel forward with laughter, smiles, selflessness, and pure optimism. Regardless of the pain in the depths of their soul, it’s always about their kids and their happiness.

What is your greatest extravagance? Purses.

What is your current state of mind? Happy, safe and optimistic.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?  Righteousness. It can easily morph into closed minded arrogance with a side of intolerance.

On what occasion do you lie? When the truth hurts.

What do you most dislike about your appearance? My nose.

Which living person do you most despise? I do not despise anyone, but I feel strong disregard for abusive personalities.

What is the quality you most like in a man? Intelligence with kindness.

What is the quality you most like in a woman? Intelligence with kindness.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse? “Do I look fat?” “F*ck”, “oh my God”, and the incredibly annoying “woohooo”.

What or who is the greatest love of your life? Without a shadow of a doubt, Juan Carlos.

When and where were you happiest? May 2014 at the beach. Summer, in my mom’s bed, watching marathons of Real Housewives with her.

Which talent would you most like to have? To be able to sing. I was told junior year in high school that I was tone deaf. It broke my heart.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? My anxiety. It has kept me from doing so many things.

What do you consider your greatest achievement? To have created a loving, happy, and peaceful home for me and my husband.  In addition, as superficial as this may sound, to have lost weight.

If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? Andy Cohen, Oprah or Cindy Crawford.

Where would you most like to live? Miami or Malibu.

What is your most treasured possession? My wedding rings and my Mime (pillow I have had since I was 2 years old).

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Finding yourself alone in this world.

What is your favorite occupation? Being a housewife.

What is your most marked characteristic?  I am talkative.

What do you most value in your friends? Loyal friends who reciprocate love and are present.

Who are your favorite writers? Jodi Picault, Emily Giffin, and Julia Alvarez.

Who is your hero of fiction? Noah from The Notebook.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?  Nelson Mandela.

Who are your heroes in real life? My parents and my husband. All three are constantly saving me.

What are your favorite names? Harry.

What is it that you most dislike? Mean people who make fun of others. Arrogance. People who take advantage of their position of power. Dirty homes.

What is your greatest regret? Not following through.

How would you like to die? In my sleep.

What is your motto? Be kind, for everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Play with me! Fill out the questionnaire and share below in the comment area!

Follow me on instagram @Jessicathehousewife.

My Tramp Stamp

At first, you would think it was a lovely detail. Second glance, you wonder if there was a two for one, some type of BOGO. As you begin to really focus, you realize there is some kind of preppy neurosis. The scope of this bizarreness hits you.  Is it waspy narcissism? Or maybe it’s that OCD of hers.

Hi. My name is JMR and I am a monogramaholic.

Confession: I have officially transitioned from detail oriented into full blown TACKY. I monogram everything. Napkins, tablecloths, placemats, doillies, towels, bed linens, pillow cases, duvet covers, throw pillows, blankets, button down shirts, handkerchiefs, cufflinks, boxer shorts, casserole carriers, canvas bags, laundry bags, shoe bags, dress bags, leather boxes, tie holders, pajamas, luggage, yoga towels, stationary, soaps, paper towels, matches, chocolates, tupperware, Christmas ornaments, and so on. If I could slap my monogram on Juan Carlos and Harry, I would. It’s my tramp stamp. #JMR. The monogram situation at Casa Rodriguez is overwhelming. I am not in denial… it’s one too many and it’s right out tacky. I have no control over my monogram urge. There is not one linen under this roof that does not have some variation of my name on it.

I don’t do well with unregistered property. This trauma is a direct result of catholic schooling, where God would strike you dead if you did not put your name on every item that belonged to you. There was always a stealthy nun on a mission for nameless property. Claiming  something out of lost and found that did not have your name on it was like openly admitting you had a 16 oz cheeseburger, washed it down with a chocolate shake (or wine), while listening to Madonna’s Like A Prayer on Lenten Friday. It’s a one way ticket to hell FOREVER.

 

 

The font, colors, lines, and size of the monogram says so much about you.  It’s not a matter of making your guest bath towel look southern traditional chic, it’s a matter of a plain white towel showing  flair and character. It’s about making a non descript item, yours. And yes, I am, as is your mother-in-law (perpetual theme), judging you harshly when your guest bathroom towels are not monogramed or worse…….are monogramed improperly (gasp).

The wrong monogram will send you and your reputation into housewife damnation. Granted,this is archaic thinking, superficial, and total first world problems, but honestly, do you want to be the girl who did not properly monogram her linen dinner napkins? Post dinner party chats can be cruel and relentless. That cold-blooded frenemy of yours isn’t going to let it slide that easily.You and your faux pas napkins will be THE topic of post yoga lattes and several what’s app chats.

 

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Call me trap queen. Here is the best cheat sheet for modern monograming rules. I love this  because it includes equal rights.

Monogram inspiration click here and here and here and here.

 

 

You can follow me on instagram @jessicathehousewife.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Housewife Down

IMG_2621Housewife down. It’s officially day 3 of the flu and the future seems meek. My chest and head are a pressure cooker of phlegm, two golf balls are lodged in my throat, my nose is reminiscent of Niagara Falls, fevers come and go, my lungs are about to collapse from incessant coughing and sneezing and my body feels like it has been run over by a Mack 10 truck. I am in hell.

Mirka is in a tailspin playing nurse and mauling over any innocent bystander that gets in her way. She is in a state of frenzy, decontaminating the house and changing my socks every 30 minutes. Apparently, sock changes decrease the risk factors of flu complications. Convinced that this specific flu (she is still not sure it’s not Zika) is due to a weakened immune system, a direct result of my eating habits (or a mosquito), I have been condemned to chicken soup and beef consume for the past 3 days. She has vetoed all requests for a warm latte, because lactose free milk thickens congestion. She is pretty much ready to push a Vick’s vapor rub IV in me.

And then there is her version of flu medication. The Holy Grail of remedies. It’s a repugnant concotion of red onions, passion fruit, radish, ginger, honey, lemon, and cinammon. Like the bully she is, she just sits there, intimidating and oppressing the sick, staring at me until I have atleast half a cup. I simply do not have anything left in me to stand up for myself. I have succumb to her tyranny. I surrender.

I don’t know what is worse Mirka nursing me to health, Donald Trump being GOP candidate, or death.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Boozy Beurre Noisette Banana Blondies

 

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Confessional: I have a weakness for sweets. Juan Carlos can eat an entire herd of cows, as long as I can have my sweets. I love to bake! Ever since I was a little girl, I had a thing for baking.

Here is a recipe for Boozy Beurre Noisette Banana Blondies. Beurre Noisette means brown butter, which is absolutely one of my favorite techniques for baking. This is real simple  and oh so yummy! Switch it up from your old school blondies, and give these cakey version a try! The recipe is absolutely forgiving, so you can work it to your palate’s desire.

Banana Blondie:

  • 1 stick of unsalted butter*(brown butter)
  • 1 cup of light brown sugar
  • 1 large egg
  • 2 tsps of vanilla ( I love vanilla so I do 1 tbsp)
  • 1 cup flour
  • 1/4 tsp salt
  • 1/2 tsp baking soda (omit if you do not like cakey blondies)
  • 1 ripe banana mashed (1/2 cup)

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Boozey Glaze:

  • 1/4 cup of unsalted butter **
  • 1/2 cup light brown sugar
  • 2 tbsp whole milk
  • 1 tbps bourbon ( you can omit, but I like boozy sweets!)
  • 1 cup powdered sugar

 

Preheat oven to 350. Line an 8×8 baking dish with foil. Spray with cooking spray.

Begin by making beurre noisette (brown butter). In a light colored pot, over low heat, melt butter.

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The butter will start to foam, stir occasionally.

The butter will change color to a gorgeous honey amber brown.

When it is a pretty golden brown, you are ready to rock -n-roll. There will be a delicious nutty smell. Here is a link to Chef You Tube with details to this fantastic and incredibly delicious technique. You can read a little more about it  here  and  here too!

Let beurre noisette cool down a few minutes.

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Mix flour, baking soda and salt in a medium bowl and set aside.

Cream butter and sugar.

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Add egg and vanilla. Mix well.

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Slowly add dry ingredients while mixing.

When fully combined, add mashed banana and mix.

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Pour in 8×8 baking pan.

Bake for 25-30 minutes.

Remove from oven and let pan cool .

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While the pan is cooling, prepare glaze.

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This beurre noisette version of the glaze.

You can chose which type of glaze: Brown Butter Glaze or Non Brown Butter Glaze.**

A)For the brown butter version: Brown 1/4 unsalted butter. Once the butter is golden brown, add 2 tbsp of whole milk. Stir.

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Brown butter version of the glaze

OR……

B)For the non brown butter glaze: melt butter, add 2 tbsp of whole milk, stir.

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Non brown butter version of the glaze.

After deciding on either option A or option B, bring to a boil and remove from heat.  Add 1 tbsp of Jack Daniel’s bourbon (you can omit if you are fresh out of rehab) and stir.

Let cool for 3-5 minutes.

Whisk in powdered sugar. Let sit for a few minutes.

When Banana blondies are cool, evenly spread glaze over.

Once the blondies and glaze are completely cooled down, cut into squares.

Optional:Fancy them up by drizzling squares with nutella or dark chocolate. ENJOY!

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Boozy Beurre Noisette Banana Blondies with non brown butter glaze
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Beurre Noisette Banana Blondies with Beurre Noisette Bourbon Glaze

 

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Drizzle some nutella!

(Adapted from Cookies & Cup)

*Baker’s Blasphemy: I use salted butter. I know Micaela is going to smack me with a whisk, but I really, really, really love using Rica salted butter (Domincan butter). It’s my absolute favorite and it’s never strayed me the wrong way.

** You do not have to brown the butter for the glaze. It’s up to you. Either way works well!

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GAME OVER!

 

Follow me on instagram @jessicathehousewife and on twitter @jthehousewife.

 

Manic Monday: Mission Annihilation

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I hate to be the bearer of bad news. It is with heavy heart that I remind you that it’s Monday once again. Mondays are equivilant to stuffing your face while wearing  your two-sizes-too-tight skinny jeans.

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We all have that one pair of jeans. The ones you can’t get rid of despite the fact it took 3 people to pry them off last time you wore them. The ones that you try to scrutinize, but your myopic, masochist ego is focused on how many “you look so thin” compliments this denim contraption can produce. The ones you can only button by wiggling each leg in, then laying flat on your back, sucking in your gut, and holding your breath like the existence of all humanity depended on you. Once you have these jeans on, you walk out the door, up to the car and spend 15 minutes critically strategizing and acutely analyzing each step as to how in God’s holy name you will get in the car and sit there for the 10 minute ride. Monday and these jeans are one in the same.

Manic Monday‘s to do list continues with the assasination of noxious germs found on innocuous objects. Grab a bottle of isopropyl/rubbing alcohol (I like 90%, 70% is fine), a slew of Q-tips, some cotton balls, and a microfiber cloth. Mission Annihilation is on.

The following is a list of what to disinfect/ decontaminate, without fail, every single Monday:

  • remote controls (tvs, gameboys, ac, cable, apple tv, etc..)
  • door knobs (both sides and don’t forget the additional locks, closet doors, kitchen pantry, hall closets)
  • doorbell
  • light switches (don’t be lazy and use the q-tip on the actual switch)
  • house telephones (if it is corded, clean that too)
  • intercom phone
  • credit cards
  • computer keyboards (additionally, we also use The Rainbow with the dust brush)
  • printer keypad
  • alarm keypad
  • cell phones
  • Ipads

Door knobs and light switches should be cleaned daily, but that’s just being illusive.  Heed my words, these objects are pathogens. It’s all fun and games until someone gets strep throat or bird flu.

The easiest way to handle this is one by one. Do all remote controls first. Then trek throughout your house and do the door knobs. Followed by the light switches. And on and on. Is this fun? Of coarse NOT. Well, maybe if you are dancing to Justin Beiber’s Sorry in the process.

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Is it time consuming? YESSS!!!! ABSOLUTELY YESSSS! I so much rather be watching Lisa Vanderpump’s passive aggressive interviews on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Will it keep you from getting conjunctivitis or bird flu? All I can say is that I have not had pink eye since June 1997.

*Mom, do you remember? I got pink eye the night before the Shoe Show and you STILL made me work.  #meanboss #outstandingworkethic #showmustgoon #putonsunglassesandstopwhining #outtingmycubanmotheronmyblogguaranteesaphonecall

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It may seem excessive and as if my OCD is on autopilot, but in all honesty, it is more about creating a hygienic environment. You will be surprised at the grime you wipe off. Once this becomes a habit, it will become easier and quicker.

So get to work! I have to run, my phone is ringing, wonder who it is?!!!! Don’t forget to follow me on instagram: @jessicathehousewife and on Twitter: @jthehousewife.

 

 

 

 

“All I Ever Wanted To Be Was A Housewife”

 

“What do you do for a living?” asks the witty, sharped tongued blonde lawyer sitting next to the slender, sweet brunette marketing specialist. I take a deep breath and hold on to that second before responding knowing the silent wrath that will follow: ” I am a housewife.” Inevitably, I hear a low, under the breath, murmur, full of shame “Oh”. Quickly, the perky red lipped realtor jumps in with the usual follow up question: “how many children do you have?” Then comes the kicker. I respond “NONE”. And quickly the conversation turns into a 30 second observation of silence, followed by melancholic empathy for me,this woman, who, in their career oriented imagination, acheives nothing and is what they assume to be barren, lacking intellect, financial freedom, self-esteem, goals, accomplishments and a brain.

All I ever wanted to be was a housewife. In a world that empowers women to be whatever she wants to be, to embrace her independence, to challenge her limits, to use her brain as  a weapon, to push herself to have equal pay in the workforce, the role of housewife is shun and marginalized, mostly by women. I have found that it is not politically correct or widely accepted for a woman to want to be a homemaker.  In a world of Malala and Sandbergs, most women do not understand and would more often than not question my desire to be a housewife.

What they do not know, do not realize and can not fathom is that I always dreamed of being a housewife, a Martha Stewart of sorts (minus the jail time). I chose to be a housewife, it is my craft. With great pride and with acute knowledge, I plan menus, micromanage house chores, create flower arrangements, organize closets and pantries, navigate the grocery store like a stealthy ninja, create spaces with cozy and elegant notes, shrewdly lead my home helpers to run an efficient home worthy of several pinterest boards, create manuals and lists to efficiently and effectively execute harmonious living. Listen, I am going to toot my own horn here, I am really good at what I do!

So here I am, Jessica, the housewife! I want to share with you all I have learned as I have studied via Google University and years of trying to perfect my craft. I want to share with you ways to make your home and life pinteresty!